Article
Hope For Stepfathers
If you’re a stepfather, you’re part of the most rapidly emerging
group of fathers in our nation. Recent estimates have placed the number of divorced
mothers who remarry at around 80%. Every new stepfather walks into an
emotional mine field as he tries to simultaneously recover from the wounds in
his past, build a new marriage with his wife, and settle into this new family
situation with his wife’s children and possibly children from his previous
marriage. And all this takes place in the aftermath of your wife’s ex-husband,who
still seems to linger mystically – if not physically – in the shadows
of this new household. It isn’t surprising that a large percentage of
abuse cases occur in step or mixedfamilies.
But there are those of you who are truly instruments of hope and healing to
fatherless homes, and you deserve praise for your willingness to step in and
be a father figure for those who have none. You face a tremendous challenge.
As a stepfather, you’re really more like a mentor than a father. You’re
a helper, a caretaker, a steward of sorts, who gives the children a needed perspective
and become an important source of strength as they grow and mature. You don’t
actually have the responsibility that your wife does in raising them-though
you can earn that responsibility over time-but you do possess a potential to
influence them that is equal to, though different from, your wife’s.
Here are five ways you can ease the tension of being a stepfather:
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Keep encouraging the children’s relationship with their biological
father. What often happens in second (or third) marriages is that
everyone in the household tries to forget the ex-husband completely. This
new family has a good chance of working, you say, and you don’t need
to stir up memories and bring back all the tears. But no matter how hard
you try, you can’t forget him, and neither can the children. If you
try to ignore his existence, trying to keep his bones in the closet, so
to speak, you can be sure that sooner or later, probably during a confrontation,
your children will not only drag those bones out, but will use them as weapons
against you and your wife.
The better alternative is to be open and honest about him in your household.
If he is still trying to be involved with his kids, encourage him in that,
remembering that he is their father, and that his children have a need to
be reconciled to him, and to feel at peace about their relationship to him.
You may grow to have a lasting and rewarding relationship with your stepchildren,
but setting yourself up as the “new father” and asking them
to accept you as a replacement to their real father is only asking for turbulence
in the future, if not right away.
As a stepfather, you can never truly be a father to your children. This
presents you with some real obstacles, but also gives you certain advantages.
You don’t have blood connections to your children, so there won’t
be the natural emotional attachment, but the pressure and expectations biological
real fathers face won’t be there either. You may have more difficulty
establishing close relationships with the children, but whatever you do
accomplish with them will be a bonus instead of a half-fulfilled obligation.
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Discuss discipline and exercise it with extreme caution. Perhaps
the greatest point of tension for a new stepfather is knowing how and to
what extent you should be involved in the discipline of your children. Here
are two examples that illustrate right and wrong ways of handling the situation:
Janice married Reggie because they needed each other. Both of them had problems
from their previous marriages, and they decided they could help each other
heal. Reggie believed in strict discipline, and so naturally he began to
take control with Janice’s kids, and Janice felt it was right to yield
to him. But Reggie was bringing expectations upon her children for which
she had never prepared them, and instead of protecting her children from
his heavy-handed discipline and criticism, she gave him full authority over
them. He had taken it upon himself to impress upon them his own views regarding
their music and many of their other habits - things that she had never really
worried about in the past.
As you would expect, the children didn’t take to Reggie very well.
The family entered counseling and long after he moved in, one son became
a delinquent, and one of Janice’s daughters underwent psychiatric
care and was eventually placed in another home. This family demonstrates
the major and lasting fallout when a stepfather dives in or is pushed into
a role as disciplinarian with his new children.
Norm and Trudy are a far different story. AfterTrudy’s divorce, she
and her kids were utterly disillusioned. When Norm, who had never been married,
met Trudy and they began to think about marriage, their plans included her
four children. They discussed his role in discipline - he would be there to
back up Trudy and support her decisions, and if he had any questions or disagreements
he would bring them up in private,away from the kids.
This kind of sensitivity on Norm’s part not only won him a loving wife,
but her kids viewed him as an answer to their prayers. His devotion to Trudy
has strengthened their marriage and her children’s sense of security
in the household. Men like Norm should give us all hope that there are men
who can provide children with the male leaders that they need.
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Schedule regular times away from the kids as a couple.
Even more than in first marriages, it is vital that you and your wife spend
time alone, strengthening and revitalizing your marriage. Besides the benefits
you will see as a couple, your stepchildren will take great comfort in your
commitment to one another. They’ve already seen one marriage end,
and some children even blame themselves for it. Their outlook on life each
day will be greatly improved if they sense love and commitment between their
mother and stepfather at home.
These outings can also serve as times of reassessment and planning as a
parenting team. If all wives are ambassadors of sorts between fathers and
their children, they are even more essential where stepfathers are concerned.
Your wife is really the key person in the situation. She knows you well,
and she knows her kids. She also knows the children’s father; his
influence, and his strengths and weaknesses. This can be a time of real
enlightenment in which you ask for feedback regarding your relationships
with the children, compare notes, and gain valuable insights into the kids’
behavior.
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Practice acceptance. It’s good to realize from the
beginning that this new family will take some getting used to. It will take
time for them, as well. There will be times when you feel like an outsider.
That’s why it’s so important for you to take the initiative
and show the children unconditional acceptance. Be flexible when it comes
to mannerisms and personal habits, and be a healthy model of someone who
cheerfully adapts to your new family members as they are - faults and all.
Your openness and willingness to deal with their idiosyncrasies and unique
family atmosphere will be contagious, and will encourage them to accept
you more easily.
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Don’t force her children to call you “Dad.”
In marrying you, your wife has brought her children some new (and not entirely
welcome) obligations and commitments that they have not chosen to make.
Forcing them to accept you on such terms will only cause resentment, especially
with older kids. Instead, allow the children to define their own comfort
zones as they relate to you. Your desire for a quick and smooth transition
is natural, but it will be best served by patience, as you earn the respect
and love of your wife’s children in their time.
(FatheringMagazine)
For More Information Contact:
Men On A Mission Worldwide Ministries ( MOAM )
P.O. Box 452, Temple Hills, Maryland 20757
Tel:
FAX:
Internet: latimerm@moam.org
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