Article

MEN: Understand the Pressure

Christian men, even ministers, often struggle with destructive behavior, whether it’s stress, burnout, workaholism, unhealthy relationships with their wives and families, or more serious problems such as substance abuse or sexual misbehavior. Such behaviors stem from the pressures from unrealistic expectations of society and families.

In our society women are judged by their appearance, men are judged by their success – measured by money, power, and prestige. Men seek to become heroes, and their lives become an endless struggle for success and affirmation. They pay a high price in fatigue and burnout.

• Deal with your father.
  In many cases, unhealthy patterns of behavior are rooted in poor relationships men have with their fathers. Sons need a sense that they are loved and that their fathers are pleased with the man’s self-image. List the validating messages you want to hear – I’m proud of you, I love you, thanks, please forgive me. If you cannot talk directly to your father, because he is dead or absent, express these thoughts and needs in a letter.

• Make deeper friendships with other men.
  Men many times view other men as enemies or competitors, and are most comfortable with superficial, semi-rowdy relationships centered on activities. In particular, ministers tend to have no close friends actively involved in their lives. One of the benefits of developing close male friendships is an increase in spiritual and emotional healthiness. Finding confidants with whom to share struggles is both freeing and life-giving.

• Let God give the father blessing.
  Ask Him to show you how your wound manifests itself, and ask Him to heal it. Let God affirm your manhood; list the ways you have demonstrated courage, sensitivity, confidence, and other virtues. These are the fruit of God’s work in your life.

Escaping from a secret life:

• Admit the truth.
  Many men have secret lives – destructive addictions to sex (either actual affairs or emotional unfaithfulness), substance abuse, overspending, or gambling. They hide these activities from their wives and friends, and many are too embarrassed or afraid to reach out to a counselor, pastor, or support group for help. They spend huge amounts of energy deceiving others and maintaining denial mechanisms within themselves.

• It can’t last.
  No one can bear up under this strain forever. Either a man will voluntarily reach out for help or he will take one too many risks and be discovered – often because unconsciously they are weary of their shame and want to be found out.

• Reconnect with God.
  Once a man admits his secret sins, he can reconnect with God and begin healing. He must search his heart and mind to understand his fears and how they arose from childhood experiences and family pain. Then he can rebond with the loved ones he may have hurt and surround himself with a healthy support structure to prevent recurrence.

Patrick A Means, is a speaker, Author of Mystical Maze, and president of Mentor Leadership Training, an organization founded to help men reflect on the honesty of their lives and avoid crises. He and his wife, Marsha, live in Seattle, Wash.