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STRAIGHT TALK FOR MEN Presents
The Secrets of Eve

By Dr. Archibald Hart and Dr. Catherine Hart Weber

Six facts that men need to know about female sexuality.

Do you want supper? You have to “sing” for it. Do you want water from a pump? You have to prime it. Do you want to cut wood? You have to sharpen the saw.

What’s this got to do with sex? A lot! These idioms all say one thing: If you want something, you have to do something to get it. Our message? If you want to have good sex, you have to do something to create it. Too man men, unfortunately, expect good sex to appear out of the blue. They come home from work, crash into their favorite chair Archie Bunker style, tune in their favorite TV show, and expect that at a certain magic moment sex will come looking for them. It doesn’t!

If we learned anything from the research we have done over the past few years on where Christians are in their sexuality (600 men were surveyed for Dr. Hart’s book The Sexual Man and more than 2,000 women for our book, Secrets of Eve), it is this: Good sex is intentionally created; it doesn’t just happen. Your love life sinks or swims by the efforts you put into making it something beautiful.

So, if you and your partner have different sex drives and you want sex more frequently but don’t know what to do, read on. Or is it the other way round? You rarely feel like making love, while your wife is hungry for intimacy. Well, we have some suggestions. These are not concocted or gleaned from a secular view of sex. They come directly from our in-depth study of where Christian men and women are today.

And if you think men are bewildered about how to build satisfying sexual lives for both themselves and their partners, believe us, women are too. Many asked us, “Am I OK?” and “How do I compare with others?” Sex is bewildering for women and it is made even more so by the lack of understanding on the part of men. Listen to what one participant in our study wrote:

"I wish men could understand that if they took more time for emotional intimacy, women would initiate physical intimacy more. Then we would know that we are really wanted for who we are - not just as a release valve!"

This woman was not alone in expressing these feelings. These sentiments were shared in many of the more than 2,000 questionnaires we got back from all over the United States. Hopefully, this revealing feedback from the opposite gender will help transform your marriage relationship into one of mutual joy and fulfillment.

WHAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT?

It has been said that men initially fall in love through visual stimulation, while women fall in love through emotional connection. Despite the stereotypical nature of this statement, in many ways it is a fairly accurate assessment. But don’t restrict this just to falling love. It is just as true for staying in love and making love.

Women are different. Hence, what they want from sex is different. Unfortunately, most men don’t understand this sufficiently enough to change their approach to sex. What are the important differences that guide women in determining what they really want from sex?

1. Women want to be close.

When the women in our study were asked what they liked most about having sex, 90 percent chose “physical and/or emotional closeness.” Closeness was more important than orgasm! This really blows men away. Yes, women want to talk, touch and feel love. It is a sensual thing that goes way beyond sexual intercourse. For many women, intercourse is a final expression of their affection, and it is not just for themselves but more for the pleasure of the man. Men, on the other hand, often use sex to express rather than feel the emotions of love and affection.

2. Women want to spend time with their partners.

"I want time together with my husband." We heard women say this over and over again. Of course, "time together" can mean many things. If you don't think so, ask your wife what it means to her, and what she would like you to do with her in this togetherness time.

Here are some creative ideas that women gave us on how they would like to spend time with their husbands: going out to a romantic dinner, taking a vacation alone (without the kids, family or friends), taking a walk, exercising together, going on a bike ride, sharing a bubble bath, dancing, sailing, and, of course, chatting. Which leads us to the next point…

3. Women want time for talking.

"Talking and connecting intimately is what I miss and want more of.” Wrote one 49-year-old woman in describing her ideal sexual experience. “He would talk to me about my feelings, really showing interest in me. I’d laugh some and cry some. He would share his feelings with me and about me. He would affirm me…”

For most men, talking is not a high priority. But how important is it for women? Fifteen percent of our sample specifically mentioned it, without prompting from us, as being an essential part of an “ideal sexual experience.” Many of the women in our study alluded to it in other forms, such as: “desiring connection,” “pleasant talk” and “affirming words.” Imagine this men: women want (and need) conversation to be a part of the sexual experience! Honest and open communication makes deep inroads to a woman’s sexual reservoir.

An old Chinese proverb says: “Married couples … tell each other a thousand things without talking.” So, communication is more than just talking. For example, smiling at your partner across the room, holding hands when you go to sleep, good and consistent eye contact when she talks to you, unexpected letters and so on augment the words you speak. During your loving time, put a lid on all problem discussions or conflict-solving conversations. Save those for other times. Men often think that “talking” is all about problem solving. So don’t talk about the kids, the job, the need for a new car, the debts or your mother-in-law. And remember this: The best talkers are those who know how to listen. So while it is important to share, place a higher value on listening. Then echo back what you are hearing to show that you really heard her. This validates your partner and, believe it or not, is about the most powerful aphrodisiac known to mankind. Try it and see for yourself.

4. Women want romance.

Over 70 percent of the married women we studied said their romantic needs are met entirely by their partner. This means that they didn’t need to fantasize about someone else or get steeped in a romantic novel. Their partner met all their romantic needs. This was quite a surprise to us. But then again, we were studying a Christian group. And quite clearly, this group had a lot going for itself! But what about the unhappy marriages! Women who reported that they were sexually unsatisfied tended to watch soap operas or talk to close friends about their unmet needs – sad substitutes for genuine romance and intimacy. What was clear, however, was how central romance is to a woman’s sexual responsiveness. No romance, no sexual desire. Clear and simple!

When we asked women to describe their “ideal sexual experience,” they often wrote about romantic settings: candles, music, massages, dinner out, a fire in the fireplace, cuddling, staying in a hotel, room service, and (surprise!) receiving gifts.

Men, find out what your wife finds romantic and find a way to do it. Romance is more about behavior than feelings. The behavior comes first. So when you behave in a romantic way, like the birds and bees do, you beget romantic feelings. It has been nature’s way since the dawn of Creation.

5. Women want to be able to say, “Not now.”

It is hard to prioritize what we’ve been saying here because these are all important points. But if there is one point we would like to stress, it is this one. A woman needs the freedom to say no. It is unfortunate that by nature men seem to want sex more often than women. But this is how God ordained it. The consequence, however, is that men need to exercise more self-control than women. Listen to what one woman wrote:

"I've come to understand that men and women are different. I don't need the 'act of sex' the same way my adoring husband does . and he so lovingly understands that it has nothing to do with him."

For a multitude of reasons, the timing for sex may not be the same for each partner. Many men view their wife’s lack of enthusiasm toward having sex as personal rejection. What is important is for men to know that in most cases wives aren’t disinterested in you or in sex in general. They are just not interested in sex at that moment. Fatigue, hormonal fluctuations, the way you have been treating her-all these issues may have an influence on her sexual desire. Be sensitive to her situation, and then plan for a better time.

6. Women are not sexual objects.

One of the deep longings of the human heart, in both men and women, is to be valued not for what you do but for who you are. This is how God loves us and it is the way we want to be loved. Because our culture so strongly influences men to think of women as sex objects (just pay attention to what sells cars, clothes and even potato chips), women feel demeaned when they are disrespected and only appreciated when it’s time for sex. Women need to be valued and appreciated outside the sexual arena – and this includes your wife. She longs to be told that she is cherished and shown that she is loved. How can a caring partner do this? Glad you asked. Here are some suggestions:

Be more attentive at those times when you know sex isn’t on the agenda. Flowers given when nothing is expected may cause a temporary state of shock, but believe us, it will score points in the love game.

Focus more on “giving” in your relationship than “getting.” Take note of what gestures, gifts or comments are particularly appreciated. Then make sure you surprise your partner with these often.

And you cannot fail if you remember this biological fact: Hugs, kisses and cuddles performed outside of sex will do more to enhance your sexual relationship than any known or yet-to-be discovered aphrodisiac.

The Really Good News

Here’s a finding that will boost your spirits, men: Wives really want to please their husbands. One of the pleasant surprises in our study was how frequently women told us that they had sex not for themselves or their own needs but “because they enjoyed seeing their husbands sexually fulfilled.” Women seem to have a God-given unselfishness and an uncanny ability to derive pleasure from the pleasure they give. And we’re not just talking about sex.

This spirit of “putting the well-being of others ahead of one’s own” not only embodies love at its best, extravagantly generous and unselfish, but it is also what Christ expects. Philippians 2:4 tells us: “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (NIV). It is when this spirit of unselfishness prevails in both partners that one creates the greatest potential for a deeply satisfying sexual relationship.

There is so much more we could say, but our space is limited. The bottom line: Men really need to understand the sexuality of women if they are going to build a harmonious, satisfying marriage. There is a lot of evidence, from popular magazine surveys for example, that men are paying more attention to the emotional side of sex and placing more importance on intimate relating. This is welcome news, but it is not enough. What most men still need to grasp is that sex is not the vehicle for achieving closeness, it is one of many important expressions of being close. This is God’s design!

There is a lot of talk about the sexes coming from different planets (Mars and Venus in particular), and it sometimes feels like we do. However, as Christians we have a different perspective: God created women and men different to begin with and put us on this one planet for a reason. Our differences as men and women have a deep significance for His kingdom. When we acknowledge these differences and work out a harmonious sexual relationship, we bring honor to our Creator and begin to live out His brilliant, divine plan for human sexuality.

Drs. Archibald Hart and Catherine Hart Weber are coauthors, together with Debra Taylor, of the book Secrets of Eve; Understanding the Mystery of Female Sexuality (Word).

(www.newmanmag.com)