Article
Heal the Wounds of Marriage Breakups
The breakup of a marriage is almost
always traumatic. The ripple effect goes out in all directions as family members
and friends stand on the sidelines in despair. At the center is the relationship
between the former husband and wife. If they can resolve issues, then there is a
strong inclination that others will be able to deal with the situation in a
positive manner.
To those single parents who want to
resolve an adversarial relationship with former spouses, consider these
suggestions:
*
Don’t use the children as spies,
means of manipulation, or message carriers for negative issues. This is cruel to
them and only causes greater friction and disharmony. The children’s best
interests need to be foremost in both parents’ minds.
*
If legal arrangements have been made
– and broken – use the proper channels to correct the situation. Seldom can
ex-spouses discuss things rationally and come to an agreeable solution on legal
matters, particularly when an adversarial situation exists between them. Work
through the court system where changes in the original legal documents can be
filed and handled properly by an attorney.
*
Use a mediator if both parties can
agree to do so. A pastor, Christian counselor, or church elder might be
considered to act in a mediation role.
Do
not criticize, belittle, or talk negatively about ex-spouses, especially in
front of the children. This is often the hardest guideline to follow. Verbal
bashing and accusatory ridicule in front of the children might feel good at the
moment, but it only hurts the children and can cause irreparable scars which
they’ll carry into adulthood and into their future relationships.
*
Frequently remind the children that
the divorce is not their fault. Children need to be encouraged to talk about
their feeling especially in the months following the family breakup. The one
issue common among children is their belief that they caused the divorce by
their behaviors, attitudes, or shortcomings.
*
Learn to forgive. This is the
greatest healer, especially in adversarial situations. Holding on to your anger
and bitterness does more to destroy your life than to remedy the wrongs that may
have been done to you.
*
Accept whatever responsibility you
may have had in the marriage breakup. Reflecting upon personal shortcomings
might help your healing as you look forward to future, healthier relationships.
*
Live one day at a time. You cannot
change your ex-spouse, but you can change, or have responsibility for, your own
attitude. Realize that the greatest hope is knowing that you have a Creator God
who will stick by you and offer hope forever.
*
Remember
that professional Christian
counseling or therapy might be advisable in the initial stages of divorce. Part
of this counseling should focus on
the specific tools for dealing with the adversarial ex-spouse.
*
Attend worships, seminars, or read
material on building a positive self-image. Learning the appropriate places to
look for love and self-validation are important.
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Bobbie Reed, the author of 33 books,
including Guiding Strong People, has been a single parent, and serves as a
workshop/conference speaker. She holds a Ph.D in social psychology and a D.Min.
with an emphasis on single adult ministry.
www.crosswalk.com
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