Article

For Men Only:   A Husband’s Personal Checklist

    Are you interested in examining a checklist of ways that husbands typically offend their wives? In this article, Dr. Don Dunlap encourages men who find it hard to identify specific ways that they offend their wives, to read through the list carefully and prayerfully.

Listed below are some of the offenses that husbands typically commit against their wives. As you read through this list you may wish to check any of these offenses that apply to you.

1. Ignoring her.

2. Not valuing her opinions.

3. Paying other people more attention than I pay her.

4. Not listening to her or not understanding what she feels is important.

5. Closing her out by not talking to her or by not listening to her (the Silent Treatment).

6. Being easily distracted when she’s trying to talk.

7. Not scheduling special time to be with her.

8. Not being open to talk about things that I don’t understand.

9. Not being open to talk about things that she doesn’t understand.

10. Not giving her a chance to fully voice her opinion on decisions that affect the entire family.

11. Punishing her by being angry or silent

12. Making jokes about certain aspects of her life.

13. Making sarcastic comments about her.

14. Insulting her in front of other people.

15. Coming back at her with quick retorts when we are arguing.

16. Giving harsh admonitions.

17. Using careless words before I think through how they will affect her .

18. Nagging her and speaking harshly.

19. Correcting her before giving her a chance to fully explain a situation

20. Raising my voice at her.

21. Making critical comments that seem to have no logical basis.

22. Swearing or using foul language in her presence.

23. Correcting her in public.

24. Being tactless when pointing our her weaknesses or “blind spots”.

25. Reminding her angrily that I warned her not to do something.

26. Having disgusted or judgmental attitudes in general.

27. Pressuring her when she is already feeling low or offended.

28. Lecturing her when she needs to be comforted, encouraged, or treated gently.

29. Breaking promises without any explanation or without asking to be released from the promise.

30. Telling her how wonderful other women are and comparing her in any way to other women.

31. Holding onto resentment about something that she did and which she tried to make right.

32. Being disrespectful to her family members and other relatives.

33. Coercing her into arguments.

34. Correcting or punishing her in anger for something that she is not guilty of.

35. Not praising her for something that she did well, even if she did it for me.

36. Treating her like a child.

37. Being rude to her or to other people when we are in public (such as restaurant personnel or store clerks).

38. Being unaware of her needs.

39. Being ungrateful.

40. Not trusting her.

41. Not approving of what she does or of how she does it.

42. Not being interested in her personal growth or her spiritual growth.

43. Being inconsistent in my life or having double standards (doing things that I don’t want her to do).

44. Not giving her advice when she really needs it and asks for it.

45. Not telling her that I love her in specific ways.

46. Having proud and arrogant attitudes in general.

47. Not giving her the daily encouragement that she needs.

48. Failing to include her in conversation when we are out together with other people.

49. Failing to spend focused time with her when we attend social gatherings.

50. "Talking her down" - continuing to discuss or argue a point simply to prove that I was right.

51. Ignoring her around the house as if she weren’t a member of the family.

52. Not taking time at the end of the day to listen to what is important to her.

53. Not paying any attention to her at social gatherings.

54. Not attending church together as a family.

55. Failing to honestly express to her what I think are her innermost feelings.

56. Showing more excitement for work and other activities than for her.

57. Being impolite at mealtimes

58. Having sloppy manners around the house or in front of others.

59. Not inviting her out regularly on special romantic dates (Just the two of us).

60. Not helping her with the children at extra stressful times, such as just before mealtimes or at bedtime.

61. Not volunteering to help her with the dishes occasionally-or with cleaning the house.

62. Making her feel stupid when she shares an idea about my work or about decisions that must be made.

63. Making her feel unworthy for desiring certain furniture or insurance or other material needs for herself and the family.

64. Being inconsistent with the discipline of the children.

65. Not taking any interest in playing with the children and not spending quality and quantity time with them.

66. Failing to show affection for her in public, such as holding her hand or putting my arm around her (As if I seem to be embarrassed to be with her).

67. Not sharing my life, my ideas or my feelings with her (such as what’s going on at work).

68. Neglecting the spiritual leadership of my home.

69. Demanding my wife to submit to me.

70. Demanding her to respond to me sexually when we are not in harmony with one another.

71. Being unwilling to readily admit when I am wrong.

72. Being defensive whenever she points out one of my “blind spots”.

73. Being too busy with work or other activities.

74. Not showing compassion and understanding for her and children when there is a real need to do so.

75. Not planning for the future, which makes her very insecure.

76. Being stingy with money, making her feel that she had to beg for every penny.

77. Wanting us to do things sexually that make her feel embarrassed.

78. Reading pornographic magazines or watching indiscreet videos.

79. Forcing her to make many of the decisions regarding the checkbook and bills.

80. Forcing her to handle bill collectors and overdue bills.

81. Not letting her lean on my gentleness and strength (or not having gentleness and strength for her to lean on).

82. Not allowing her to fail-always believing that I have to correct her.

83. Refusing to recognize her uniqueness and her differences as a woman.

84. Criticizing her womanly characteristics or sensitivity as being weakness.

85. Spending too much money and placing the family under financial pressure.

86. Not having a sense of humor and not joking about things together.

87. Not sending her special love letters or hand-written notes from time to time.

88. Forgetting special occasions like anniversaries or birthdays.

89. Not defending her when somebody else is criticizing her or tearing her down, especially if it is one of my relatives or friends.

90. Not putting my arms around her and hugging her when she needs to be comforted.

91. Not praising her to other people.

92. Being dishonest.

93. Discouraging her when she tries to better herself, either through education or through exercise.

94. Continuing to practice distasteful or harmful habits.

95. Not treating her as if “Handle With Care” were stamped on her forehead.

96. Ignoring her relatives and the people who are important to her.

97. Taking her for granted; assuming that “a woman’s work is never done”.

98. Not including her in future plans until the last minute.

99. Seldom doing little unexpected things for her to let her know that I love her and appreciate her..

100. Not treating her as an intellectual equal.

101. Viewing her as a weaker individual in general.

102. Being preoccupied with my own goals and needs, and making her feel that she and the children are not my top priority.

103. Threatening to never let her do something again because she made some mistake in the past.

104. Criticizing her behind her back (This is especially painful for her if she hears about my criticism from someone else).

105. Blaming her for things in our relationship that are clearly my fault.

106. Not being aware of her physical limitations; treating her like a man by roughhousing with her or making her carry heavy objects.

107. Being impatient or angry with her when she can’t keep up with my schedule or physical stamina.

108. Acting as though I am a martyr if I go along with her opinions.

109. Sulking when she challenges my comments.

110. Joining too many organizations that exclude her and the children.

111. Failing to repair items around the house.

112. Watching too much TV and therefore, neglecting family time.

113. Demanding that she must sit down and listen to my point of view when she needs to be doing other things.

114. Insisting upon lecturing her in order to convey the importance of the points that I want to make.

115. Humiliating her with words and actions, saying things like, “I can’t stand to live in a messy home”

116. Not taking the time to prepare her to enjoy sexual intimacy.

117. Spending money extravagantly without being faithful in giving to God. .

118. Avoiding family activities that the children enjoy.

119. Taking vacations that are primarily what I want to do.

120. Not letting her get away to spend time with friends, go shopping, go out for coffee and dessert at a restaurant, etc.

121. Being unwilling to join her in the things that she enjoys like shopping, going out for coffee and dessert at a restaurant, etc.

122. Not understanding the challenging responsibilities that a wife has: laundry, cooking, picking up clothes and toys all day long, wiping runny noses, changing diapers, etc.

123. Refusing to be self-sacrificial by regularly touching her in non-sexual ways, strictly for her pleasure and enjoyment, not leading to sexual intercourse.

Now go back and write out each offense expanding specially on each one. Then, sit down with your wife and ask her to forgive you for every offense. This is one of the most important projects in restoring and strengthening a marriage. Give it your best effort. She will be able to sense any insincerity.

As men read through these items, they should keep in mind that the purpose of this list is to help them begin the process of repentance, reconciliation and marital restoration.